


Alive.

by asteri_13034



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Dad Wymack, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Neil Josten, Kisses, M/M, Neil Josten loves Andrew Minyard, Panic Attacks, Past Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:07:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27717908
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asteri_13034/pseuds/asteri_13034
Summary: Neil Josten is alive.It is terrifying.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 7
Kudos: 150





	Alive.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello my lovers. Here is a little piece from my hearth to yours.

There was a ball bouncing. Somebody was laughing, loud and bright. A sneaker screeched across a court, a goal lighted up red.  
The world was spinning. The moon was hidden, the sun shined.  
And Neil Josten was still breathing.  
It was terrifying.

As Neil saw his team running laps at the court, he took a dangerous moment to stop, and simply look. They were truly something, his foxes. Neil had seen the disaster the old team was in his freshman year, it felt as if it had happened a thousand years ago. Today, the team was a being in constant movement, a bad-oiled machine. With more than one prodigy on its lines, he could only see glances and little pieces of what it would become in the future. When all screws were moving together, an imperfect mixture to grandiosity, something unstoppable, maybe as terrifying as taking a single breath was at the moment.

He forced himself to walk. Maybe it was a cowardly move, but he was sure the next second he kept still, the ground beneath his feet would crumble like broken glass and everything would go down, dragging him into places he was not going to able to crawl outside from, not yet at least. Not by himself, surely.

In order to stop this, he ran and scored to a motionless-goalie goal. Neil couldn’t pull out the energy to care and Kevin certainly made up for him. His shouts were able to reach his crumbled mind, turning from an underwater noise to a far away murmur. 

There was something devastating happening inside of his head. So, Neil breathed in and kept going. 

A nightmare was making its home at Neil’s eyelids; every time he blinked, he saw fire, darkness and grey sand. If he kept his eyes closed, he could smell burned flesh and salt, he could listen to endless waves and a maniac women’s laugh, right next to a broken promise which Neil kept pushing away, ripping it off like the page of an old book. 

With each frightening breath, loose fingers began to squeeze and choke; a knife was poking right out of his chest, making everything hurt.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, since a long time ago, Neil had felt this forming; he had seen glimpses of this monster opening its maw’s in order to take a painful bite. But had thought he could outrun it, he just hadn’t counted on his body giving up on his mind, or maybe on his mind betraying his body. He was falling piece by piece, in a way that not even a million stitches could hold.

And it wasn’t even midday.

Practice ended way too early, and Neil made a decision the moment everything seemed to begin to tremble. He took his gear out, even if his hands felt like someone else’s.

Neil took solace on Nicky’s jokes, Matt’s laugh, Aaron’s curse and Kevin’s explanation. 

When everyone began to leave, Neil took a long shower, with the coldest water possible. It was useless, his fingers were numb. But he ended up shivering as well.

He went outside, knowing everyone must have left with all the time he had wasted. He truly should have known better.

“Oh.” Was what left his mouth when he saw Andrew sitting on the locker room, his black attire and blond hair almost dry. The smallest frown shadowing his gilt eyes. “Oh.” He repeated, apathetic and bored, as almost always. Why was he still here?

Neil breathed in, air and sight and sat next to him. The cold from the wall almost startled him when it touched his back. He tucked in his armbands and turned around to meet hazel eyes. Those carefully build ice walls that surrounded him began to melt with this simple action. It was something that couldn’t happen, since they were what were keeping the monster away. So Neil talked, on a tired but surprisingly firm voice.

“I need to talk to Wymack.” It was not a lie. “You should go ahead to your classes, I´ll meet you later.” He kept his gaze, and Andrew searched for something in Neil´s features; something he must not have found, judging by the way his eyebrows turned to a real frown this time.

“Do you want me to go” Andrew said, his eyes questioning, looking for every little detail.

Neil dragged his eyes down to his hands, looking for blood beneath his fingernails, if it wasn't there, then why could he smell it? Then he thought about the question. What did Neil want? The answer should have been simple. To stop feeling this shitty way, but he was reaching his limit, this was becoming unstoppable. He just wanted to be able to breathe in without fucking drowning on simple air.

Why couldn’t he? Did he want to be alone? Why was Andrew still here, sitting on an empty locker room? Why was he waiting for Neil? Just fucking stop Neil. This is enough. Calm down Abram, we can do this, just keep breathing, , it´s going to be okay, just keep going, and breathe for god sake, fucking breathe. 

The monster began to growl and Neil began a war with himself again.

A hand rested at the back of his neck, actually startling him. It wasn´t weird, it was just unexpected. It mostly came to turn a torch in the darkness, and grounded him when everything began to spiral. But Neil knew this moment was something bigger, not just a panic attack. Andrew was so close, and his hands were so fucking calming. It frightened Neil the great amount of power this man had over him. He was utterly defenseless against him, lying on the ground with his throat bare. Neil wasn't exactly sure when it had happened; but was pretty sure this was the reason why he wasn't allowed to kiss and fall in love growing up. He was completely harmless like this, and it would probably stay this way, as long as Neil kept choosing Andrew. He had no plans on stopping.

I am not your answer.

The moment Andrew had said this, Neil understood, but not completely. Now he could. They were not each other saviors, they were not tools to light up dark valleys. They were not salves to each other's wounds. They were something more. Something more complex. The amount of pain that Neil was in at the moment, the ripping grief that took his breath away, only accentuated this. 

But as he shared a sigh with Andrew, and he felt his hand in his neck, Neil understood. Oh, he did. 

This moment was something bigger. It was why Neil could expose his eyes and openly stare at Andrew´s; it was why when Andrew asked “What do you need?” he could bring his hand from his neck and interlock their fingers. Neil said “Go ahead” with an equally firm but more detached voice as he gripped Andrew´s hands between his.

Andrew´s frown came back, this time with a different shade, and a muscle from his jaw pulled slightly, but then he stiffly nodded and stood up. 

They walked outside together, but Neil stopped outside Wymack’s office while Andrew kept going without glancing back, and then Neil came in.

Wymack has sitting on top of his desk, with papers around him, and turned to the door with a light scowl. When he saw Neil walking in, he raised his eyebrows and stood up, just to sit in his chair. Neil stood still in front of the door, watching him with the same detachment as before. Everything inside him has been tied together by a too-stretched rubber band, almost ready to snap.

“Shouldn’t you be in class?” He asked, when Neil said nothing. “Josten?” His eyes were too heavy.

Neil tried to answer, but those choking fingers didn´t let the words come out. It was maddening. Why was he here? He had to say something to Wymack, something important. But his voice was gone. The knife stabbed in his chest hurt so fucking badly.

Please, he wanted to say, but it was a terrible word, and he didn't even know what the hell he was begging for.

“Neil?” A careful voice asked, and Neil became aware of the book he was staring at, and his own arms clinging against his body where he had them crossed. Wymack was talking like somebody talked to a scared animal. Meaning that Neil probably looked like one. Rage was added to the list of things that were going through his head, but it was quickly erased when he focused his stare into Wymack. “What can I help you with?” The opened concern and worry that was easily read on his eyes looked terribly close to the shadow that momentarily had crossed Andrew´s. So Neil stuffed everything deep down at his aching chest and remembered why the fuck was here.

“I…” Neil began, dragging daggers across his throat so his voice would come steady. “I just wanted to tell you something”

“What?” Wymack asked. Neil took a painfully deep breath and masked himself better.

“I am not going to be able to come practice later” It was the decision he had made before.

“Is something wrong?” his coach asked, instantly more alert, his eyes scanning Neil, from head to toe. “Are you hurt?”

“I'm not” Neil answered, looking at Wymack´s shoulder. “Listed, kid, if you are fucking lying...”

“I'm not fiscally hurt” Neil interrupted him “I just can't come to practice today.” 

“Well, sorry if I don´t fucking believe you.” 

Neil wanted to leave, to scream or lie on the floor. Of course he would have to give an explanation, what had he thought? Of course the walls were shattering again. Wymack was smart, and he could see and understand things most people couldn't. Didn´t he saw how the simple act of existing was ripping him apart? Neil was about to fall into his knees and let everything bury him alive. 

Breathe, Abram, breathe. We have to stay alive, we can do this.

Neil ran his hands through his hair twice as he decided what to do and took a sit at a chair. He sat on the edge and told Wymack the main reason why he had been waking up with nightmares and choking breaths all this week, and why he couldn't come today. 

“My mother died four years ago” Wymack´s expression changed deeply. “I am not going to even leave palmetto” he couldn't run “But I am not coming to practice this afternoon”

His coach kept silent for a while and then asked “Are you going to get hurt?” Neil almost laughed and said ‘not on purpose’ but then Wymack seemed to take a choice and said “I don’t think you should be alone right now”

This stirred Neil up. So he told him as he stood up. “I am not asking you for permission, I am telling you because you are my coach and I respect you. I am going to be okay, I just won't come today.” He made his way to the door before Wymack´s angry voice stopped him by calling his name. 

Neil turned around warily, but Wymack just said. “Did you have breakfast today?” Neil blinked at him; he had skipped it because of a too-long run, but said nothing. His coach sighted, and brought up a paper bag from the floor and raised it towards Neil. 

“Eat this, all of it” He saw the bag, a little stunned, until Wymack shook it. “If you are not coming today, then you have to eat all of this, and drink this as well” He ordered as he also brought a water bottle. Neil was still dumbfounded. “Come on kid” Wymack said, but sounded very tired. So Neil took a step forward, taking the things from his hands and all but shoved them into his backpack, met Wymack´s eyes one more time and walked outside.

What next?

He caught himself before starting the preparations for running, Andrew wasn't there, which Neil wasn't sure if helped or not, but he had respected Neil's decision. Neil was numb at the moment, and the many swings his emotional state had taken in so little time were certainly making him sick. Even though he sat on the floor at the parking lot of the stadium, and before he realized he had finished all of the many contents from Wymack´s paper bag.

Neil had no place to go, nowhere to run, so he laid in the parking lot´s ground. He was numb, and chaos was knocking at his door.

He stood up, anxious and began to walk around the court, to keep him from thinking, from running. At a certain moment he came to a stop, and looked up at the orange fox paw at the side of the stadium; then something called his attention. 

At the back wall of the stadium, there was an air conditioner duct, and hidden behind it was a huge white latter, which led into the stadium’s roof. Neil was moving instantly, automatically, and then he was climbing it, fast. He arrived to the end and sat down. It was like the tower´s roof, but way much bigger. He moved back away from the edge and laid on his back

White clouds and blue sky was everything he could see from this place, the sun was a blinding spot in the side of his head, and Neil began to feel how his own heart began to stab him. It had to be that, there was nothing out here, so it came from the inside, how can somebody ease this kind of pain?

He couldn´t understand why this was happening now, now that he had peace and something worth living for. He had a huge hallway in front of him. So why was he blocking his own path? Why couldn’t just be without hurting. He was free from his father, but never from his own mind.

His mother would have been so furious, or maybe proud. Sometimes Neil began to forget things, and one of the most painful ones, was that he didn't remember her natural eye color. Was it green? Or gray? His uncle had gray eyes, so maybe that was it.

A sound ripped through his throat, and it took his a second time to realize it was a sob. He raised a shaking hand to his face and realized that he was crying. Then he began to laugh. He could not remember the last time he had cried. Oh wait, he could. 

He was laughing full-force now, hysterical and loud peals of laughter that cut their way through his mouth without his consent.

It fucking hurt. 

Neil tried to cover his mouth with both of his hands to stop it, but then he couldn’t breathe again, so instead he bit his lip and covered his eyes. 

His breath was shaking and he wanted to puke. He sat up and put his face in his hands, he tried to hide from everything, he tried to shove away his thoughts and get a nothing in return. And it worked, just for a little while though.

His laughter stopped, but the ravage pain came a thousand times stronger. 

So he kept trembling, sobbing and sore, drowning and falling into helplessness, hoping for everything to simply stop, for something to crash him down so he could stop feeling; he couldn’t contain the screams from his soul, but he tried to mute them by clenching his teeth and covering himself with his bare hands. As if they could hold anything at all.

A wheezing sound came from the outside, and then he recognized it as his own. Neil´s left hand flew to his chest, because there was a knife poking out from there; because a monster was biting, ripping bone and flesh; because someone was choking him, because he was alone, and she was gone; because he couldn´t breathe, he couldn´t, he couldn’t.

Neil had to lie back, and suddenly saw the sun, the fire, now in front of his eyes; and wondered what it would take to walk towards it, to chase it, and become nothing with it. He could smell the smoke and feel her hands, and he wanted nothing but hold her, to be held by her and hear her voice. A bird covered the fire for a second, and Neil swore that he saw her eyes.

He came back to his body painfully and vaguely slowly. Neil thought he must have fainted from the panic attack, which had only happened once, and involved himself into breathing. In and out. One, two, three, four. In and out. Breathe Abram, breathe.

Neil could feel a memory tugging his mind away and allowed himself get lost into it.

When he was a child, small and fast and scared, his mother had taken him by his hand into a car full of men and drove for a while, then helped Neil into some strange kind of clothing with gentle but firm hands and then sat down with him.

She began to talk about something; she called it exy, and talked him through the most basic steps of it. “You have to be strong and give everything from yourself, okay?” Neil wasn't as interested in what she was explaining as he was with the way she stroked her fingers through his hair, but listened and nodded solemnly.

Then he got to play.

It was amazing.

He had to do a lot of things, but at the end he played his very first game. He was put in the middle of the court, and knew he had to join the two middles of the team as tape, and gave everything from himself. He fell a lot of times, but stood up and kept going. The first time he scored a goal he was astonished.

Neil couldn’t remember the exact details, but saw the ball get into the goal and then everyone was screaming. He jumped a little, and then turned around to look at his mom.

She was glowing. Standing from her seat, and laughing; the biggest smile on her lips. One of her eyes was purple, but even from the court Neil could see them shining. Her smile was wonderful. And Neil could only be happy because he had made his mom happy. Every goal after that one was each time better.

Neil was moved to another part of the court later, as a backliner, but every time a goal was scored, he turned around to see his mother's smile, even if each time it was more anxious, it was always there.

Now, Neil lay on his back watching the gray clouds. He was still crying, but it wasn´t the heartbreaking cry from before, the one that drowned and destroyed, there were silent tears rolling into the pavement behind his head.

He could only be glad that this memory was the one that stood out from his mother. That it shone through her desperate fists and nails, her rough scolding and painful last words. He could almost feel her hand in his hair, listen to the soft lullabies she used to sing more than fifteen years ago, and see her shining eyes highlighting a smile, even if he didn't really know what color they were.

“I am alive, mum” He said out loud to the sun hidden behind now deep gray clouds. “I am alive”

“I fucking miss you a lot, more that I’ve ever missed anything.” “Thank you. Thank you for giving me life and a chance to be free. I love you, I love…” his voice broke. “I am sorry, but... but not really, not for staying; because I am alive, I am alive, and I love you so much. “

“I am sorry because you are not here, I am sorry because you gave your life for me, but I love you, and I miss you, and I´m sorry. I am here mom, and I am scoring goals and I fell in love and I miss you.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you” He regretted never saying that meaningfully to her. He could see the appeal of Renee´s and Nicky´s religion, he could only hope his mother was somewhere, listening to his words, and understanding the truth and feeling they contained. He really meant it.

Neil took a deep calming breath, probably the first one in a while, and sat up, looking around. As he took a look to the campus from his place, the everlasting pain that has accompanied him for the last days receded momentarily, and Neil felt truly alive. 

He drank a little from Wymack’s water bottle and took out a pack of cigarettes. 

He hadn’t really smoked a cigarette in a while, he mostly smelled the smoke, but this time he took drags from it, keeping the fire in his lungs for a couple seconds and then letting go. He coughed a little in the beginning, but at the end his breath was steady.

Neil stood there, thinking, remembering and looking at nothing, while he chain-smoked cigarette after cigarette.

After some time, now that he was back on his mind and body, he felt his phone vibrating a couple times.

He ignored it for a while, since they were just texts, and kept smoking, when it stopped, he pulled it out and saw what they were. Most of them here from his teammates, asking him where he was, then Nicky had said ‘W said u were fine. He said to leave u alone. Plz be safe’  
There was just one from Andrew, asking the same. Neil blocked the phone without answering anything and laid down again, letting time disappear from him.

The sky was now mostly covered in deep gray clouds, and Neil could hear thunders as the sun began to go down. There was a feeling of calm lingering by him, being by himself so close to the sky. Neil let that calmness surround him and kept smoking, he focused on what was around him, the concrete behind his back, the smell of the smoke, the sound of the wind that took the ashes from his cigarette.

He was brought back from his slumber when his phone began to ring, a song about runaways resonated from it’s speakers, Neil answered it as he lit yet another cigarette and listened. 

“Where are you?” Andrew asked. Neil felt again the calm that came with his voice. But instead of freaking out from it like earlier, he took shelter in it. “Neil?”

Neil took a deep drag and answered, with his voice raw and tired, but calm “I’m in the stadium.”

“Liar” was Andrew’s response.

“Not right now” Neil said.

There was quiet in the other side of the line, and then the sound of Andrew getting on his car, Neil listened to the sound of it and his respiration, and then said without really meaning it “You shouldn’t drive with your phone” 

“You shouldn’t skip practice without his majesty” Neil breathed a quiet laugh. “Was he that bad?” He asked. Andrew hummed and kept driving. “You can handle him” Neil said “You did it for a while before meeting me”. Andrew hummed again and Neil let himself feel whatever he was feeling at the pitch of his stomach at the thought of him coming.

Neil closed his eyes and kept smoking, listening to the soft sounds from his phone. Sometime later, he opened them again when he heard Andrew getting out of his car, walk a little and then ask “Where the fuck are you?”

Instead of answering, Neil got himself to the edge of the building and threw the butt of his cigarette down, it flew a lot with the strong wind, but Andrew somehow saw it and then turned his head up to the roof, when he saw Neil, standing on the very edge, with the wind shaking his hair, he barked a “Fuck you” then hanged up and walked back to his car. A thunder resonated from the sky, the air was electric.

Neil laid back again, this time with his leg hanging from the edge, and covered his eyes with his elbow.

A few minutes latter, Neil was surprised by listening to someone climbing up the stairs; having thought that Andrew had left, so he popped his head from the side of the roof and saw Andrew coming up; he stopped, almost at the top, with a white knuckle grip and rested his head a little in one of the steps. Neil saw his shoulders moving as he took a deep breath and kept climbing.

Once he reached the top, he took a fist of Neil’s shirt and dragged him away from the edge, then he sat down next to his body.  
He threw a hoodie at his head, but instead of putting it on, Neil put it behind his head as a pillow, then he lit up two more cigarettes and gave one to Andrew so he could stop the slight tremble from his fingers. Andrew took it sharply with an aggressive scowl and took a drag from it.

Neil looked at the dark clouds and listened to Andrew breathing, feeling more calmed than he had been in the whole week and each time more close to the earth. They kept silent, waiting for Andrew to calm down and smoking. Andrew broke the quiet some time later.

“You are smoking.” He said, looking at the smoke coming out from Neil’s mouth. 

Neil turned his eyes to him and answered “I am”  
Andrew rolled his eyes at his vague response and then looked at the campus. 

The sun was almost down, part of it was not covered by the clouds and it created beautiful shadows in Andrew’s face. The orange light made his pale skin look golden, and when he turned his gaze back to Neil, the color his hazel eyes took made Neil’s breath disappear from his lungs.

He shook another cigarette and lighted it up, Andrew frowned and reached for it, even though his own was only at half. Which meant he had seen the almost empty package and was going to take it away. Neil stopped him before he could, taking Andrew’s open hand with his.

Andrew stopped and stared at them. Neil caressed his palm with his thumb, and, once Andrew didn’t backed, he intertwined their fingers and brought them slowly to his lips, kissing each one of Andrew’s scarred knuckles. 

He kissed the back of his hand as well, and then put it on his chest, right on top of his heart; maybe that way Andrew would be able to feel how it was beating so loudly for him.

Neil couldn’t help it, his eyes traveled through Andrew’s features, he got lost in the straight lines of his nose and his jawline; on the softest freckles covering from below his eyes to his cheekbones, his light brown eyebrows and the mole on his chin. He got lost on the soft curve of his parted chapped lips and the scar on the side of his mouth.   
Neil’s eyes went back to Andrew’s, as if sensing them, he turned his gaze to Neil. He blinked slowly, tilted his head slightly and said. “Stop staring”

Neil had to drag his gaze to the sky, and then said, quietly but firmly, because it was a fact. “You are so fucking gorgeous”   
Another thunder ripped across the sky and Neil could listen to the sharp intake of Andrew’s air. “Shut up”He barked, but it sounded tight, and then, he sighed.

He felt Andrew move beside him, and turned back, Andrew had his free hand beside Neil’s head, and the air made his golden hair cover his golden eyes, which were fixated on Neil.

He lifted his own hand and, slowly, reached his head. He combed his fingers through Andrew’s hair a couple times, pushing it back, then made a weak grip at the back of his head. Neil let go and cupped his face, caressing with his thumb the slight stubble from Andrew’s jaw. He stroked his mouth softly, pulling lightly at his lower lip and then letting go. 

Andrew was still frowning, looking at Neil’s eyes, he seemed as if he was turning something in his head, but he did not pull back.  
Neil raised his other hand, making Andrew’s hand turn and press at his chest, Andrew spread his fingers across his heart as Neil brought his own to cup the other side of his face. He stroked his fingers below his eyes, and Andrew closed them, scowling when he brushed his eyebrows. 

Once Andrew opened them, he tangled his fingers on his hair and pulled him down slightly, Andrew moved along, resting on his elbow instead of his hand; Neil could feel his breath on his skin and look at the different colors that the sun showed in his eyes.   
Andrew moved his hand from his chest to his neck, pressing his whole covered forearm on Neil. 

“Andrew” Neil said, and his eyes moved from his lips to his eyes. “Yes or no?”

Instead of answering, Andrew leaned in and they kissed each other.   
The time blew with the wind, seconds, minutes, an infinity of hours passed with Andrew’s lips against his, nothing else mattered, nothing but the beating of his heart, nothing but Andrew’s hands and the most quiet sigh he let out. He was everything. Fucking everything.

They were lying on the roof now, side by side, kissing and breathing each other, something wet Neil’s cheek, and he thought that maybe he was crying again; but it was only the first drop of rain from the clouds; another deafening sound came from the sky.

“We should go down” Andrew pulled back just to say right at Neil’s lips. “Maybe” He replied, but then they were kissing again, and again, and again.

Andrew’s head was resting on Neil’s arm, and he had pulled Neil’s leg across his hips, resting his own between Neil’s thighs. 

“Your idiocy is going to get you hit by a lightning.” he whispered the next time they pulled back.  
“You are a lightning.” Neil whispered back.

“Shut the fuck up” Andrew growled and then they were kissing again.  
They were soaking wet now, even if the rain was not that heavy yet. Andrew was shivering next to him. Maybe from the height, the cold water, Neil’s words or his hands, maybe from a mixture of it all.

His heart was beating fast as well, Neil could feel with his own when Andrew’s hands pushed them flushed against each other's chests. The heel of his boots pressed Neil’s calves, their hips were together.  
Neil folded his arm, pulling Andrew’s face impossibly closer.

Andrew let the tip of his fingers wander through the hem of Neil’s shirt, questioning, but Neil’s own hand pulled them on top of his clothes; Andrew stopped a little, and then kept kissing him as if it was nothing, maybe because it was nothing, simple and full respect towards Neil’s boundaries and body. 

Neil felt something warm and breathtaking growing inside him, and fought against the urge of crying.

He thought again of his mother, the confession he had made to the sun earlier; and he was sure that, even if she would have furious about a thousand different things from Neil’s current life, she would sure as fuck be at least calm knowing that Neil was with someone who respected and protected him deeply, someone like Andrew.

Neil pulled back, because he wasn’t going to kiss him with his mind somewhere else, and rested his forehead against Andrew’s. 

They were still breathing the same air when Andrew said “What is going on, Neil?”

Neil took a deep, slightly shaking breath and answered, whispering “I’m letting go.”

Andrew went completely still, shaking him a little, once Neil pulled back, confused, he tried to read his expression. His face was completely blank, but he also seemed to be bracing himself against something. When he blinked away a drop of rain, Neil could see in his eyes a bigger storm than the one happening in the sky.   
Neil repeated their small conversation on his head, trying to find what had happened, and oh. 

“Oh no, Andrew, no” He cupped his face firmly again and repeated. “Not you, never you” How could Andrew ever think that he was letting him go? When what they had was the best thing that had ever happened to Neil.

Neil rested his forehead in Andrew’s “I am planning on staying with you as long as you want me to.” Andrew scowled angrily at these words, but said nothing. Neil brushed their noses together, stroking his thumb through the sensitive skin of his neck. “Do you understand?”

He still said nothing, so Neil pulled back, and looked him in the eyes. “You understand?” After a few seconds, Andrew nodded, and relaxed a little. Neil gave him a short kiss and pulled back again, putting space between them but keeping Andrew’s head resting on his bicep.  
Andrew seemed to understand that Neil was going to talk, so he kept his hands on his waist.

“When I was sixteen” Neil began “I buried my mother in the sand of california”

“She was hurt badly, and made me drive as far away as possible from Lola and her fucking knives.” Neil swallowed and kept going “She was lost, in her last moments, and made me promise her some things, she made me say them over and over again.” He didn’t say the words, even if he was sure Andrew must have listened to them if Neil had had a very bad nightmare.

“That day she asked me to never stop running” “But I’ve stopped, and I am here”

Neil turned on his back, feeling the water on his face “I can’t keep letting her ghost whisper in my ear, reminding me of every thing I am doing bad, because is fucking killing me”   
“Because I love her, Andrew, and I will always love her. But I… I just...can’t” The raw pain, was nothing compared to what he felt earlier, but it still took his voice, breaking it.

“I am alive, Andrew, You know? I am alive” “I will always be in debt with her. But… but at the same time, I owe her nothing, not anymore, not now.”

Neil hadn’t seen that look on Andrew’s face in a long time, the look of complete understanding. “I am alive Andrew” He turned towards him and brushed his wet hair back.

“You are alive Neil” He said at last “We both are”

**Author's Note:**

> I cried a little. Not gonna lie. 
> 
> If you find a mistake in my writing, please let me know! English is not my thing. If you want to read this is Spanish, let me know as well. 
> 
> Remember to be kind. I love you all, my suns.  
> -Your star.


End file.
